Divorce can make you think you're losing control of everything; you may feel life is 'out of control.' This is a common way to feel when you're facing divorce. It's vital to know that life really isn't out of your control at all; it may be changing but you can remain in control of your life.

Change can feel uncomfortable, even upsetting and beyond your control however, if you direct your mind in the right direction you can maintain a sense of calm and control – even when you feel like your world is spinning. Taking specific, active steps in your divorce will help you maintain control of your divorce, your future, and your life.

It takes energy to get divorced, many times more energy than we think we have. Proper channeling of emotions and energies will make you feel better and more in control of your life.

Follow all or a few of these tips to maintain control in your divorce:

1. Question everything
Even if you have the best lawyer money can buy, question all recommendations and courses of action. Ask "what", "why", and "how much?" There are many aspects of divorce that are 'standard procedure.' That doesn't mean these standards are the only way to do things or even the best way for your situation. Be sure to ask your lawyer if there are alternative suggestions, usually there are. Ask for detailed explanations of all of your alternatives.

By maintaining a dialogue with your lawyer, you will have a clear understanding of your choices and make informed decisions. If you feel uncomfortable with any aspect of the process or your potential divorce agreement, be certain to discuss this with your lawyer. Having a lawyer you trust and feel comfortable with is essential in maintaining control in your divorce. If you feel your lawyer isn't giving you enough time or offering you options when you ask, consider using someone different.

2. Learn to say "NO"
Divorce isn’t for the faint at heart. It will likely put you in uncomfortable situations over and over again. Now's the time to learn to figure out exactly what you want, set your boundaries, and learn to stick up for yourself. If children are involved in the former marriage, your interactions with your ex will be ongoing. Stand firm for what you want. Being able to state your wants in a calm (even kind) manner is an essential skill to learn. You may face a husband who’s trying to use guilt or intimidation. Learn to stand your ground and say "NO" or whatever it is you feel.

That isn't to say you shouldn't be open to compromise in some instances. Learning to compromise is also a vital skill for maintaining control of your divorce as well as peace and harmony in your life. Do an inventory of items you will compromise on and those you won't. Knowing this ahead of time enables you to focus your energies on what matters the most and not fight tooth and nail on each and every issue.

Knowing what you really want will enable you to maintain control over the most important aspects of your case.

3. Be patient and proactive
It's inevitable, divorce takes time. Not only does it take time but it takes a lot of energy too. Many times we want the divorce to be over. If you're feeling overwhelmed by the divorce dragging out or taking longer than you like, try to shift your perspective. Realizing that this won't last forever, even though it may feel like it, and this is part of your journey in life may help to ease the feeling of hurry.

Divorce is an excellent opportunity to practice patience. Learn to take life as it comes; even when it doesn't come at the pace you prefer.  To pass time and relieve feelings of stress be proactive in your case. Ask your lawyer to give you a "To–Do" list and do the things listed. Join a support group to talk about your frustrations with your ex and the process of divorce. Often just talking to a group of people who've been there can really help.

Most importantly take this time to relax and treat yourself well. Realize that this is a time of excessive stress. Spend a little more time pampering yourself, being with friends, and being good to yourself.

4. Mediate don’t litigate
If you can work with your husband to settle the divorce, you can avoid the courtroom. If you can avoid the courtroom, you can make your own decisions about your future. Sometimes listening to your soon to be ex and letting him know you understand his point of view opens up the doors of communication and a potential settlement.

Even if you're angry or hurt this may be the first step to getting what you want in divorce – with the least stress. If you can agree on a goal (to divorce quickly, to do what’s best for the kids) and keep that goal in mind during negotiations, you're more likely to agree on the steps to get there.

If you're dealing with issues with children this is especially important. Sharing children with someone you no longer have a relationship with involves continued negotiation and communication. Starting off with open communication and flexibility sets the stage for an easier future of co-parenting. You'll need to sharpen your mediation skills for the future well being of your children. In divorce it's best to try to reach agreements where you have an active say rather than the dictates of a court system.  For more information, visit our Mediation pages.

5. Don’t let your family determine your fate
During divorce you may turn to your family for comfort. It's wonderful to have people to turn to, a shoulder to cry on, but be cautious, not everyone knows what's best for you. Your friends and family may listen and lend advice that doesn't sit right with you.  Don’t be pressured or coaxed by their opinions. If you can remain detached, listen to their suggestions and disregard those that don't make sense for you. If you can’t remain detached, only spend time with your family if they agree not to mention the divorce while you’re together.

If you can't talk to your family about the divorce find a support group, therapist, or trusted friend to confide in during this time. Divorce isn't easy even in the best of situations. It's a good idea to have an intelligent, sensitive person who will listen to you and support you during the journey.

6. Be open to change
Life is really an ever-changing journey. Anyone who's gone through a divorce knows this to be true. Until your divorce is final, you’ll be facing an uncertain future. One day the relationship with your kids and ex may be peaceful and happy; the next it may be filled with anger and resentment. This is par for course. Divorce changes life for everyone it touches, emotions run high and women often bear the brunt of this change.

Keep in mind that things will calm done with time – even in the rockiest divorces. The ups and downs will settle out and you'll find peace.  In the meantime expect the unexpected, be willing to change your game plan at a moment's notice, and have alternative strategies for accomplishing your goals. Being able to 'go with the flow' is vital to maintain control in your divorce and your new life. Remaining fixed only allows others to manipulate and take advantage of your fears. If you remain unaffected by change and open to new possibilities, you can maintain control of your divorce and life.

Change is inevitable in life, embrace it and don't fear it, and you'll be in control of your happiness.

About the Author: Barb Cronin is a full time freelance writer from the Philadelphia area specializing in women's issues; all natural health and wellness; fitness; and dating/relationships. She's the mother of three; has survived two separations and one divorce. Barb has an extensive educational and work background in elementary education, journalism, and law. Barb believes in empowering women everywhere to follow their true destinies and be the healthiest woman they can be.

This article is not legal advice. You should consult an attorney if you have legal questions that relate to your specific divorce.

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