Placing the mountain bike into the trainer is normally a very simple process, but not tonight. I couldn’t get the back wheel into position so it would be locked in place. I loosened the tension; changed the bike angle; rotated the lever that locks the tire in place; changed the bike angle again, all to no avail.

Ten minutes later nothing working and I was frustrated. I thought about surrendering to the sofa then it occurred to me.

“Why don’t I use my road bike instead of my mountain bike?”

I had chosen my mountain bike because it allows me to sit more upright and is a bit easier on the back, shoulder, and tushy, but of course, getting a workout was my desired outcome. So, I pulled out the road bike and wa-la! In less than a minute, it slipped right into the trainer, I jumped on, and got exercising.

“What does a bike mis-adventure have to do with getting divorced”, you ask?

Well, it holds two very valid lessons that I share with my coaching clients who are committed to making their best choices in divorce. The lessons are:

Lesson Number One: Some solutions may be difficult to implement while others are a breeze. If your desired outcome can be achieved in a less timely and painful fashion, why not choose the breezy solution?

Here’s an example of Lesson Number One at work in a divorce. Paula’s desired outcome was to continue living in her home after divorce, until her children left for college, then downsize to a condominium.

The first solution Paula considered was buying-out her husband’s interest in the home then selling it a few years later. She didn’t have enough cash on hand to seal the deal, so she began applying for mortgages (a slow and difficult process in this economy). She also started researching the real estate market in an attempt to determine (predict) what the housing market might look like in four years when she anticipated selling and downsizing. Paula concluded that this solution would take a significant amount of time and had a relatively high degree of financial risk that made her a little uncomfortable.

The second solution Paula considered was selling her interest in the house to her husband then renting it from him until the children were in college. According to her husband’s accountant, he could receive tax benefits as her “landlord” as well as a homeowner when he moved back into the home in a few years. Paula concluded that this solution, which her husband also preferred, would be quick and easy. She loved the fact that she wouldn’t have to go through the mortgage underwriting process, tie up her cash, be obligated to pay a mortgage, property taxes, insurance, and the costs of repair, then, try and sell the home in a few years.

In Paula’s mind, both solutions would lead to her desired outcome, but the first was difficult and the second, a breeze. She chose the breezy option and twelve years later, she raves about how it all worked out perfectly.

You may not believe this, but the process of getting divorced is not black and white. Sure, there are couples who choose to take a very traditional path through divorce and there are judges whose orders are very linear. But, there also are many unique solutions that you and/or your spouse can uncover or create to resolve your divorce issues. These solutions can be crafted together or separately and may be mutually agreed upon or adopted by a judge.

So how do you find these possible solutions?

Through brainstorming. The power of brainstorming is, in my opinion, one of the greatest tools you can use and is essential to making your best choices in divorce. (Brainstorming your Options is one of the steps I show you how to take in The Soul Centered Divorce, 7 Steps to Making Difficult Divorce Decisions with Confidence and Clarity.)

Lesson Number Two: If at first you don’t succeed, try something else.

Now, I’m not suggesting that you give something a quick try and chuck it if it doesn’t work instantly. A lot of divorce solutions take time to finesse and finalize. What I am suggesting is that, if you have repeatedly tried and failed to make a particular solution work, try another.

Here’s an example of Lesson Number Two at work in a divorce. Cathy and Bill wanted to negotiate a divorce settlement without going to court. They were both educated and successful professionals who saw eye-to-eye on most things, so it seemed like a reasonable proposition. But, whenever they sat down together Cathy’s buttons got pushed and in her heightened emotional state, she would say things she didn’t mean and often, storm out of the room. Once she calmed down, Cathy and Bill would again try to negotiate an agreement, but Cathy’s issues kept thwarting their efforts.

When Cathy and I met during a coaching session and she told me about the problems she faced, I suggested that together, we could brainstorm her options to determine if there was another way she could achieve her desired outcome: negotiating a settlement without going to court.

After a fruitful hour, Cathy decided to try another option, which turned out to be the perfect solution. Cathy and Bill hired a neutral mediator who was both a family lawyer and psychologist. During the mediation sessions and with the mediator’s help, Cathy was able to remain grounded and negotiate an agreement even though a few buttons were pushed in the process. Cathy achieved her desired outcome and felt empowered by the tools the mediator shared with her during the process, which she continues to use while co-parenting with Bill. Her buttons don’t get pushed as often and when they do, she is better equipped to respond effectively.

So, it is important to remember that, if you get stuck trying to force a divorce process or solution that just isn’t working (like trying to put a square peg into a round hole), stop, step back, and see if you can find another option (a round peg) that works.

If you do this and still find that you’re stuck, don’t give up. As a divorce attorney, mediator, and coach who has worked through countless divorce scenarios, examined thousands of options, and helped so many clients uncover feasible divorce solutions, I can tell you that it can take some time and/or expertise to shed light on options you haven’t already considered.

Because brainstorming can be so liberating, if you’re stuck, I invite you to schedule a brainstorming session with me. In a power-packed session, we’ll put our heads together to identify your desired outcomes; discuss your circumstances; tap into the wealth of creative divorce solutions that my clients and I have used over the last two decades, and uncover as many options as we can to help resolve your divorce issues. The sessions are energizing and eye opening – I’d love to share my insight with you. Call my assistant at 1-800-278-1712 to learn more and schedule our session.

From my soul to yours,

Helene L. Taylor, Esq.
Author, Attorney, Mediator, and Coach

Do you wonder where he is, what he’s doing or who he’s with?

Are you over analyzing every thing he says and does in your divorce and repeatedly asking “why is he doing these things” or “how can he do these things to me”?

Do your persistent thoughts of your husband cause you to neglect your work, home-life or friendships?

Do you feel anxious or depressed because you can’t get your husband out of your mind?

Are you criticizing yourself for being weak because you feel like your obsessive thoughts about your husband are ruining your life?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, the “Pretend Your Spouse Does Not Exist Exercise” is for YOU!

How does the “Pretend Your Husband Does Not Exist Exercise” work?

It’s simple, really.

All you need to do is:

1. Notice whenever you’re unnecessarily and obsessively thinking about your husband
2. Stop thinking about your husband by pretending he does not exist

Yes, that’s right.

The moment you become aware of your obsessive or unnecessary thoughts about your husband, just pretend he does not exist.

“But wait!” you say.

“How can I pretend my husband doesn’t exist if I’m getting divorced and he’s making my life a living hell?”

Let me explain.

During divorce there are times when you need to think about your husband, but you do NOT need to think about him 24 hours per day, 7 days per week. Nor do you need to think about his character defects; the motivations behind his actions (unless they are relevant to your divorce strategy); his new personal life; the things he said or did when you were breaking up (unless you are speaking with your therapist in an attempt to heal and grow); the things he said or did when you last saw him (unless you need to relay the information to your lawyer because it pertains to your divorce); or any other irrelevant aspect of his life.

So how can you determine when you NEED to think about your husband and when you can pretend he does not exist?

You can begin by identifying all of the issues in your divorce. The major issues that are common in most divorces are child custody and visitation; child support; spousal support, alimony or maintenance; property division.

Once you’ve identified the major issues in your case, ask yourself whether you REALLY need to think about your husband to resolve these issues or if you ONLY need to think about your needs, feelings, strategies, etc.

Here are a few examples of when you REALLY need to think about your husband in order to resolve the issues in your divorce:

You are contemplating how to proceed with your divorce – whether you will be able to negotiate a settlement with your husband on your own, without hiring attorneys or whether you and your husband are good candidates for mediation or collaborative divorce.

You are trying to prepare a child custody and visitation or parenting plan.

Your attorney is preparing to go to court or take your husband’s deposition and he or she needs information from you in order to complete his or her work.

Here are a few examples of when you DO NOT need to think about your husband and can pretend he does not exist:

Your friends tell you they saw your husband having dinner downtown.

Your kids tell you their dad just adopted a new puppy.

Your husband sends you a text saying he’s thinking about you.

You’re at the spa with girlfriends relaxing and unwinding

You can also set parameters on the days and times when it is appropriate for you to pretend your husband does not exist. For example, whenever you are at work, eating a meal, going to sleep or working out. You also can carve out specific dates and times when you are going to think about your husband because it is necessary to move forward in your divorce. During these times your thoughts of your husband will be restricted to those that are pertinent to the topics at hand and necessary to resolve divorce issues. For example, if you are calculating child support you will think about your husband’s employment, income, expenses, tax deductions, and any other factors that are specifically required for purposes of the calculations. You are not going to think about your husband’s new baby that he and his girlfriend had together after you separated.

Why should you ever pretend that your husband does not exist?

Because at times, when you are still raw and suffering, it may be the only way that you can free your mind, nurture your soul, and enjoy all of the blessings that are still in your life.

It can help you learn to let go.

It gives you an opportunity to start visualizing, imagining, dreaming about how wonderful your life and plans for the future are or will be.

It can help you heal.

It will let your brilliant light shine freely, if even for a moment or two each day.

When should you begin using this exercise in your divorce?

The very next time you find yourself obsessively and unnecessarily thinking about your husband.

From my soul to yours,
xo
Helene.

This article is not legal advice. You should contact a lawyer in your state to discuss the specifics or your case and applicable laws.

It is difficult because you remember the feelings of devastation and desperation that you felt when you lost your job, dream home, retirement savings or marriage.

It also is difficult because your inner critic blames you for everything and anything that has gone wrong in your life.

Your inner critic screams:

“You dummy!”
“You should have known better!”
“How could you have been so impulsive?”

Then, your survival instinct kicks in and tells you to stop making choices so you can stop feeling the pain that accompanies the consequences of your “wrong” choices.

Just stop making choices and you’ll avoid making the “wrong” choices, right?

Sure. If fate and the stars align perfectly while you are avoiding making choices, things may go your way and you could be very happy with the outcomes.

If, however, the stars are slightly out of alignment, your decision to avoid making choices will probably backfire and you will loathe, detest or regret your decision to avoid making choices, especially in divorce. In fact, studies have shown that it is more likely you will regret not doing something and recover more easily from deciding to do something that turns out badly.

So how can you overcome your fear of making the “wrong” choices in divorce?

First, you can begin by adopting a commonly held spiritual belief that there are no “wrong” choices. You can consider your choices, and the consequences or your choices, as life lessons and catalysts for change. If you make a choice and the outcome is unsatisfactory, you can reflect on the events and circumstances surrounding your choice and use the knowledge gained to make different choices in the future.

For example, if you acted impulsively and suffered a loss, you can learn to slow down and look more closely at the facts before making another choice.

If you doubted your instinct and followed the advice of others, you can learn to consider the information provided, but always defer to your own judgment.

If you made a choice without gathering readily available information and expert insight, you can learn to use the tools and resources available to improve the chances of preferable outcomes.

Your choices and consequences can also teach you a great deal about yourself and those around you.

For example, if someone else’s choices caused you to pain, you may learn that you do not always have control over external factors and in order to preserve a sense of wellbeing, you have to learn to let some things go, both mentally and emotionally.

If you procrastinated and someone else made an unsatisfactory choice for you, you may learn that avoidance is not the best coping mechanism when choices should be made.

If you truly believe that your choices are neither right nor wrong, but instead, are lessons more valuable than those taught on ivy league campuses, you may find yourself excited to make choices that lead to your spiritual evolution and phenomenal personal growth.

Second, because the legal process is unpredictable and not entirely under your control, it is important to realize that despite your best efforts, you may be dissatisfied with some of the outcomes in your divorce. Any number of factors, including the actions of others like your spouse, lawyer, mediator or the judge, may cause undesirable outcomes in your case and there isn’t anything you could have done differently to change the results. You are not to blame.

Also, if this is your first divorce or it involves very complex issues, the learning curve may be steep and the climb, difficult. You are a student in this classroom of life and, if you treat yourself with kindness and respect, you will be better able to learn what you need to know to make your next choices.

Refrain from judging your choices as “bad”, “good”, “right” or “wrong”; avoid criticizing yourself for the choices you’ve made, and instead, praise yourself for courageously forging ahead in spite of it all.

Third, whenever you are facing a choice in divorce, do your very best to uncover your options, educate yourself about the process, and consider the likely outcomes. Research the proven techniques, tools, services, and experts that are at your disposal to gather pertinent information necessary to make your choices.

Use the 1000+ questions, exercises, worksheets, and questionnaires included in “The Soul Centered Divorce, 7 Steps to Making Difficult Decisions with Confidence and Clarity” in every phase of your divorce, talk to your trusted advisor or coach, then make your choices .

As you move through your divorce, remember there are no “wrong” choices. If you do your best, make your choices, refrain from judgment, and reflect on the consequences, you will gain an invaluable education.

If you’re ready to start making your best efforts to prepare for, and make the hundreds of decisions in your divorce, click here to download your complete copy of “The Soul Centered Divorce, 7 Steps to Making Difficult Divorce Decisions with Confidence and Clarity.”

I know my opinion is biased, but I truly believe that if you use my seven step soul centered divorce process and the suggestions provided in this article, you will be better able to do your best whenever making choices in your divorce.

This article is not legal advice. You should contact a lawyer in your state to discuss the specifics or your case and applicable laws.