Placing the mountain bike into the trainer is normally a very simple process, but not tonight. I couldn’t get the back wheel into position so it would be locked in place. I loosened the tension; changed the bike angle; rotated the lever that locks the tire in place; changed the bike angle again, all to no avail.

Ten minutes later nothing working and I was frustrated. I thought about surrendering to the sofa then it occurred to me.

“Why don’t I use my road bike instead of my mountain bike?”

I had chosen my mountain bike because it allows me to sit more upright and is a bit easier on the back, shoulder, and tushy, but of course, getting a workout was my desired outcome. So, I pulled out the road bike and wa-la! In less than a minute, it slipped right into the trainer, I jumped on, and got exercising.

“What does a bike mis-adventure have to do with getting divorced”, you ask?

Well, it holds two very valid lessons that I share with my coaching clients who are committed to making their best choices in divorce. The lessons are:

Lesson Number One: Some solutions may be difficult to implement while others are a breeze. If your desired outcome can be achieved in a less timely and painful fashion, why not choose the breezy solution?

Here’s an example of Lesson Number One at work in a divorce. Paula’s desired outcome was to continue living in her home after divorce, until her children left for college, then downsize to a condominium.

The first solution Paula considered was buying-out her husband’s interest in the home then selling it a few years later. She didn’t have enough cash on hand to seal the deal, so she began applying for mortgages (a slow and difficult process in this economy). She also started researching the real estate market in an attempt to determine (predict) what the housing market might look like in four years when she anticipated selling and downsizing. Paula concluded that this solution would take a significant amount of time and had a relatively high degree of financial risk that made her a little uncomfortable.

The second solution Paula considered was selling her interest in the house to her husband then renting it from him until the children were in college. According to her husband’s accountant, he could receive tax benefits as her “landlord” as well as a homeowner when he moved back into the home in a few years. Paula concluded that this solution, which her husband also preferred, would be quick and easy. She loved the fact that she wouldn’t have to go through the mortgage underwriting process, tie up her cash, be obligated to pay a mortgage, property taxes, insurance, and the costs of repair, then, try and sell the home in a few years.

In Paula’s mind, both solutions would lead to her desired outcome, but the first was difficult and the second, a breeze. She chose the breezy option and twelve years later, she raves about how it all worked out perfectly.

You may not believe this, but the process of getting divorced is not black and white. Sure, there are couples who choose to take a very traditional path through divorce and there are judges whose orders are very linear. But, there also are many unique solutions that you and/or your spouse can uncover or create to resolve your divorce issues. These solutions can be crafted together or separately and may be mutually agreed upon or adopted by a judge.

So how do you find these possible solutions?

Through brainstorming. The power of brainstorming is, in my opinion, one of the greatest tools you can use and is essential to making your best choices in divorce. (Brainstorming your Options is one of the steps I show you how to take in The Soul Centered Divorce, 7 Steps to Making Difficult Divorce Decisions with Confidence and Clarity.)

Lesson Number Two: If at first you don’t succeed, try something else.

Now, I’m not suggesting that you give something a quick try and chuck it if it doesn’t work instantly. A lot of divorce solutions take time to finesse and finalize. What I am suggesting is that, if you have repeatedly tried and failed to make a particular solution work, try another.

Here’s an example of Lesson Number Two at work in a divorce. Cathy and Bill wanted to negotiate a divorce settlement without going to court. They were both educated and successful professionals who saw eye-to-eye on most things, so it seemed like a reasonable proposition. But, whenever they sat down together Cathy’s buttons got pushed and in her heightened emotional state, she would say things she didn’t mean and often, storm out of the room. Once she calmed down, Cathy and Bill would again try to negotiate an agreement, but Cathy’s issues kept thwarting their efforts.

When Cathy and I met during a coaching session and she told me about the problems she faced, I suggested that together, we could brainstorm her options to determine if there was another way she could achieve her desired outcome: negotiating a settlement without going to court.

After a fruitful hour, Cathy decided to try another option, which turned out to be the perfect solution. Cathy and Bill hired a neutral mediator who was both a family lawyer and psychologist. During the mediation sessions and with the mediator’s help, Cathy was able to remain grounded and negotiate an agreement even though a few buttons were pushed in the process. Cathy achieved her desired outcome and felt empowered by the tools the mediator shared with her during the process, which she continues to use while co-parenting with Bill. Her buttons don’t get pushed as often and when they do, she is better equipped to respond effectively.

So, it is important to remember that, if you get stuck trying to force a divorce process or solution that just isn’t working (like trying to put a square peg into a round hole), stop, step back, and see if you can find another option (a round peg) that works.

If you do this and still find that you’re stuck, don’t give up. As a divorce attorney, mediator, and coach who has worked through countless divorce scenarios, examined thousands of options, and helped so many clients uncover feasible divorce solutions, I can tell you that it can take some time and/or expertise to shed light on options you haven’t already considered.

Because brainstorming can be so liberating, if you’re stuck, I invite you to schedule a brainstorming session with me. In a power-packed session, we’ll put our heads together to identify your desired outcomes; discuss your circumstances; tap into the wealth of creative divorce solutions that my clients and I have used over the last two decades, and uncover as many options as we can to help resolve your divorce issues. The sessions are energizing and eye opening – I’d love to share my insight with you. Call my assistant at 1-800-278-1712 to learn more and schedule our session.

From my soul to yours,

Helene L. Taylor, Esq.
Author, Attorney, Mediator, and Coach

Do you wonder where he is, what he’s doing or who he’s with?

Are you over analyzing every thing he says and does in your divorce and repeatedly asking “why is he doing these things” or “how can he do these things to me”?

Do your persistent thoughts of your husband cause you to neglect your work, home-life or friendships?

Do you feel anxious or depressed because you can’t get your husband out of your mind?

Are you criticizing yourself for being weak because you feel like your obsessive thoughts about your husband are ruining your life?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, the “Pretend Your Spouse Does Not Exist Exercise” is for YOU!

How does the “Pretend Your Husband Does Not Exist Exercise” work?

It’s simple, really.

All you need to do is:

1. Notice whenever you’re unnecessarily and obsessively thinking about your husband
2. Stop thinking about your husband by pretending he does not exist

Yes, that’s right.

The moment you become aware of your obsessive or unnecessary thoughts about your husband, just pretend he does not exist.

“But wait!” you say.

“How can I pretend my husband doesn’t exist if I’m getting divorced and he’s making my life a living hell?”

Let me explain.

During divorce there are times when you need to think about your husband, but you do NOT need to think about him 24 hours per day, 7 days per week. Nor do you need to think about his character defects; the motivations behind his actions (unless they are relevant to your divorce strategy); his new personal life; the things he said or did when you were breaking up (unless you are speaking with your therapist in an attempt to heal and grow); the things he said or did when you last saw him (unless you need to relay the information to your lawyer because it pertains to your divorce); or any other irrelevant aspect of his life.

So how can you determine when you NEED to think about your husband and when you can pretend he does not exist?

You can begin by identifying all of the issues in your divorce. The major issues that are common in most divorces are child custody and visitation; child support; spousal support, alimony or maintenance; property division.

Once you’ve identified the major issues in your case, ask yourself whether you REALLY need to think about your husband to resolve these issues or if you ONLY need to think about your needs, feelings, strategies, etc.

Here are a few examples of when you REALLY need to think about your husband in order to resolve the issues in your divorce:

You are contemplating how to proceed with your divorce – whether you will be able to negotiate a settlement with your husband on your own, without hiring attorneys or whether you and your husband are good candidates for mediation or collaborative divorce.

You are trying to prepare a child custody and visitation or parenting plan.

Your attorney is preparing to go to court or take your husband’s deposition and he or she needs information from you in order to complete his or her work.

Here are a few examples of when you DO NOT need to think about your husband and can pretend he does not exist:

Your friends tell you they saw your husband having dinner downtown.

Your kids tell you their dad just adopted a new puppy.

Your husband sends you a text saying he’s thinking about you.

You’re at the spa with girlfriends relaxing and unwinding

You can also set parameters on the days and times when it is appropriate for you to pretend your husband does not exist. For example, whenever you are at work, eating a meal, going to sleep or working out. You also can carve out specific dates and times when you are going to think about your husband because it is necessary to move forward in your divorce. During these times your thoughts of your husband will be restricted to those that are pertinent to the topics at hand and necessary to resolve divorce issues. For example, if you are calculating child support you will think about your husband’s employment, income, expenses, tax deductions, and any other factors that are specifically required for purposes of the calculations. You are not going to think about your husband’s new baby that he and his girlfriend had together after you separated.

Why should you ever pretend that your husband does not exist?

Because at times, when you are still raw and suffering, it may be the only way that you can free your mind, nurture your soul, and enjoy all of the blessings that are still in your life.

It can help you learn to let go.

It gives you an opportunity to start visualizing, imagining, dreaming about how wonderful your life and plans for the future are or will be.

It can help you heal.

It will let your brilliant light shine freely, if even for a moment or two each day.

When should you begin using this exercise in your divorce?

The very next time you find yourself obsessively and unnecessarily thinking about your husband.

From my soul to yours,
xo
Helene.

This article is not legal advice. You should contact a lawyer in your state to discuss the specifics or your case and applicable laws.

It is difficult because you remember the feelings of devastation and desperation that you felt when you lost your job, dream home, retirement savings or marriage.

It also is difficult because your inner critic blames you for everything and anything that has gone wrong in your life.

Your inner critic screams:

“You dummy!”
“You should have known better!”
“How could you have been so impulsive?”

Then, your survival instinct kicks in and tells you to stop making choices so you can stop feeling the pain that accompanies the consequences of your “wrong” choices.

Just stop making choices and you’ll avoid making the “wrong” choices, right?

Sure. If fate and the stars align perfectly while you are avoiding making choices, things may go your way and you could be very happy with the outcomes.

If, however, the stars are slightly out of alignment, your decision to avoid making choices will probably backfire and you will loathe, detest or regret your decision to avoid making choices, especially in divorce. In fact, studies have shown that it is more likely you will regret not doing something and recover more easily from deciding to do something that turns out badly.

So how can you overcome your fear of making the “wrong” choices in divorce?

First, you can begin by adopting a commonly held spiritual belief that there are no “wrong” choices. You can consider your choices, and the consequences or your choices, as life lessons and catalysts for change. If you make a choice and the outcome is unsatisfactory, you can reflect on the events and circumstances surrounding your choice and use the knowledge gained to make different choices in the future.

For example, if you acted impulsively and suffered a loss, you can learn to slow down and look more closely at the facts before making another choice.

If you doubted your instinct and followed the advice of others, you can learn to consider the information provided, but always defer to your own judgment.

If you made a choice without gathering readily available information and expert insight, you can learn to use the tools and resources available to improve the chances of preferable outcomes.

Your choices and consequences can also teach you a great deal about yourself and those around you.

For example, if someone else’s choices caused you to pain, you may learn that you do not always have control over external factors and in order to preserve a sense of wellbeing, you have to learn to let some things go, both mentally and emotionally.

If you procrastinated and someone else made an unsatisfactory choice for you, you may learn that avoidance is not the best coping mechanism when choices should be made.

If you truly believe that your choices are neither right nor wrong, but instead, are lessons more valuable than those taught on ivy league campuses, you may find yourself excited to make choices that lead to your spiritual evolution and phenomenal personal growth.

Second, because the legal process is unpredictable and not entirely under your control, it is important to realize that despite your best efforts, you may be dissatisfied with some of the outcomes in your divorce. Any number of factors, including the actions of others like your spouse, lawyer, mediator or the judge, may cause undesirable outcomes in your case and there isn’t anything you could have done differently to change the results. You are not to blame.

Also, if this is your first divorce or it involves very complex issues, the learning curve may be steep and the climb, difficult. You are a student in this classroom of life and, if you treat yourself with kindness and respect, you will be better able to learn what you need to know to make your next choices.

Refrain from judging your choices as “bad”, “good”, “right” or “wrong”; avoid criticizing yourself for the choices you’ve made, and instead, praise yourself for courageously forging ahead in spite of it all.

Third, whenever you are facing a choice in divorce, do your very best to uncover your options, educate yourself about the process, and consider the likely outcomes. Research the proven techniques, tools, services, and experts that are at your disposal to gather pertinent information necessary to make your choices.

Use the 1000+ questions, exercises, worksheets, and questionnaires included in “The Soul Centered Divorce, 7 Steps to Making Difficult Decisions with Confidence and Clarity” in every phase of your divorce, talk to your trusted advisor or coach, then make your choices .

As you move through your divorce, remember there are no “wrong” choices. If you do your best, make your choices, refrain from judgment, and reflect on the consequences, you will gain an invaluable education.

If you’re ready to start making your best efforts to prepare for, and make the hundreds of decisions in your divorce, click here to download your complete copy of “The Soul Centered Divorce, 7 Steps to Making Difficult Divorce Decisions with Confidence and Clarity.”

I know my opinion is biased, but I truly believe that if you use my seven step soul centered divorce process and the suggestions provided in this article, you will be better able to do your best whenever making choices in your divorce.

This article is not legal advice. You should contact a lawyer in your state to discuss the specifics or your case and applicable laws.

During divorce, women expect their husbands to behave in the same ways they behaved during marriage.

They expect their husbands to continue paying the mortgage, children’s tuition, and grocery bills – just like they did during marriage.

They also expect their husbands to be forthright in sharing financial information during divorce – just like they did during marriage.

And they expect their husbands to agree that they should continue to be stay-at-home moms – just like they did during marriage.

So for these women, it is unbelievably shocking when their husbands stop paying the bills, don’t share their financial records, and start insisting that their wives get jobs.

In fact, it is often so unbelievable that these women choose not to believe it.

They ignore the truth and in most cases, begin suffering financially.

They run up their credit card debts.

Stop paying their bills.

Borrow money from friends and family.

Pretend they don’t need the financial records their husbands hold.

Refuse to look for work.

And to make matters worse, they don’t ask a lawyer or judge for help.

So why do intelligent, educated, and otherwise rational women do these things?

Some women are well intentioned. They do these things because they believe their husbands who are saying:

“I don’t have any money to give you”
“Times are tight”
“I won’t let you lose the house”
“We’ll figure this out eventually”
“I lost the records”
“The accountant has the records”

Other women just don’t want to face reality. They still believe that their husbands are conscientious and would never do anything to hurt them. To which I respond, “you never know your husband until you divorce him”.

What does that mean? It means that you will usually see your husband’s true character during divorce. If he is a man of good character, he will be transparent, forthright, and fair throughout his divorce, even if it hurts when he has to divide his 401k. (These men are true gems.) If he is a selfish, narcissistic, dishonest man, he will probably fight you till the death.

So what can you do if your husband is the latter and:

Is not helping you pay the bills
Stopped paying spousal support
Will not give you the documents you need
Refuses to participate in mediation or a collaborative divorce?

There are several things that you can do.

First, if you are in dire financial circumstances, but physically able, you can look for and take a job. Even in this economy, there are jobs available for women with different skill levels and they provide full benefits.

Second, you can/should speak with a lawyer. Yes, you will have to pay the lawyer’s hourly fee, but provided he or she is willing to give you advice for that fee, it is money well spent. You especially want to ask a lawyer if, given the facts in your case, a legal motion can or should be filed asking the court to order your husband to pay support, cover your attorney fees, give you an advance from the community or marital assets or take any other appropriate action. If you already have a divorce lawyer and he or she has been telling you for months that he or she can file a motion to change your desperate circumstances and there is no truly justifiable reason why you should not do it, pull the trigger.

“But wait!” you holler. “How can taking legal action be justified if you are committed to having a soul centered divorce?” It is justified if your husband refuses to come to the negotiating table or to your aid in spite of his obligation and ability to do so.

Unlike taking malicious legal action, which is not soul centered, taking reasonable legal action to protect and even save yourself financially is not only soul centered, but essential. This is not a time to be a martyr. It is a time to tap into you inner wisdom, draw support from your peers, and do what must be done.

Third, immediately begin working with a divorce coach who has in depth divorce knowledge and can help you brainstorm your options, strategize, and give you the added confidence necessary to take action. If you are ready to do this, I’m ready to help. Click here.

This is the time for you to get out of denial and back on track towards a brighter future.

This article is not legal or financial advice. You should contact a lawyer, accountant and/or financial professional in your state to discuss the specifics or your case and applicable laws.

There are many different phases of divorce and at this moment, you may be in any one of them. You may be wondering how does this work, what lies ahead, and when will it end. You also may be wondering, where should I begin?

Well, wherever you are in your divorce process and whichever questions you are currently asking, I am happy to tell you that this is the perfect place to begin finding answers.

The hundreds of pages on this website will help you begin gaining an understanding of many of the processes and laws that govern your divorce, connecting with the resources available in your state, and identifying the path best suited to your needs.

You may access this knowledge, most of which is drawn from my professional experience as a divorce attorney and mediator, by browsing through our articles; your state’s resources’ page; downloading my latest books, The Soul Centered Divorce, 7 Steps to Making Difficult Divorce Decisions with Confidence and Clarity and The Fast and Friendly Divorce, How to Get Legally Divorced in California without Going to Court or Hiring Attorneys, and joining my coaching programs, which are specifically tailored to help you gather the information you need, brainstorm your options, and make decisions that are right for you.

Or, if you prefer more structure, instead of browsing through all of the information on this website, you can begin by simply choosing one of the pages listed below, which contain lists of articles, resources, and services that are specific to the phases of divorce.

If you are in the pre or early stages of divorce, start here: The Beginner’s Mind for those Contemplating or Commencing a Divorce

If you are in the midst of divorce and using mediation, start here: The Beginner’s Mind for those Using Divorce Mediation

If you are in the midst of divorce and going to trial, start here: The Beginner’s Mind for those Going to Court

If you have questions during your divorce or would like us to focus on specific topics in more depth, we’d love to hear from you. Please send us an email using this form.

Wherever you are in your divorce today, it is our goal to help you make your best choices and we look forward to connecting with you during the course of your journey.

This article is not legal advice. You should consult an attorney if you have legal questions that relate to your specific divorce.

Economic modeling is based entirely on the premise that the entity making financial decisions is armed with all available information, free of emotion and interested only in the most “rational” economic outcome of the decision. If economic modeling held true every consumer would consider the cost per ounce of the tall versus the grande and then make their decision based on which was the better value. Every car shopper will factor the value of included service plans versus expected depreciation in value into their decision making process. Consumers do not operate this way. Humans have social, cognitive and emotional barriers we must navigate during a decision making process. Deadlines keep us from collecting all available information. Emotions keep us from seeing it clearly. Social norms tell us to judge the quality and success of our lives relative to others.

Marketing gurus know this and use it to sell products. Ever wonder why the movie theatre or baseball concession always suggest you spend twenty five cents more on a larger  size soda? Why not go for the grande latte? It really isn’t that much more expensive compared to the tall. It is time we use it to learn to make better financial decisions.

For most people, divorce will be the largest financial transaction in their lives. It may also be the most emotionally chaotic or traumatic transition. Economic theory tells us that there should be no emotion in the equation when making financial decisions and all available information should be at our disposal. So how can you hope to make good decisions about the financial health of your family in the midst of emotional chaos? What happens when you don’t have all of the information?

Lack of information is one of the most common barriers to good financial decisions in divorce proceedings. One party usually has the edge having managed the family finances or been a business person. They may completely understand the family financial picture while their spouse has delegated the responsibility without question. This is natural. It would be a waste of valuable time to balance the check book twice every month so one party takes the responsibility.

In divorce proceedings financial knowledge can be power. High quality decisions need high quality information from which to judge the options. The party without the knowledge must spend time and money collecting documents, reconstructing the balance sheet and income statement and trying to level the playing field. This is the most important part of your divorce financial planning and building a good decision making process in your dissolution proceedings. Remember we make decisions based on choosing one option relative to another. If you are confronted with a decision you must make based on limited information you run the risk of reaching a poor conclusion. In the absence of options you must choose from what you know. The human propensity for choosing one option relative to another will leave you open to making irrational financial decisions.

The cliché financial decision in divorce is trading the house for retirement plans. Mom wants the house and dad wants the retirement plan. It is rarely a good deal for both parties. If you do not know the cost of purchasing a new home or renting a comparable home, your default decision will be to keep what you have now. Choosing to keep the family residence as part of your divorce settlement means you must forego other assets. It may mean you have to work a job you do not like in order to pay the bills. You may have to give up retirement accounts or other assets in order to offset the value in your asset division. It may mean you have no emergency cash in the bank in case you lose your job or become ill.

There is nothing wrong with ultimately choosing to retain the family residence as long as the decision was made after gathering the necessary information and considering your options. The natural human aversion to ambiguity will point you towards the status quo in the absence of options. That is fine when it comes to lattes and salsa. Financial decisions in divorce will affect the rest of your life and the lives of your children.

Start thinking about new places to live. The equity in your home is priceless at this stage in your life. In the house it is not liquid and may not be working for you as well as it could in other investments. Decide what kind of home you could see yourself living comfortably now and when your children are grown. To get you thinking and hone your expectations, start looking at local newspaper ads and visit websites like Realtor.com to seek information about current listings. Keep your finger on the pulse of the neighborhood so you can be sure to know when a good deal becomes available. Consider downsizing to a more affordable home that you will be able to care for on your own. You will be surprised how quickly a large home can overwhelm you with maintenance demands. Talk to your family. It is important to discuss expectations with your children. Tell the kids you cannot afford to keep the house and still do the things you all love to do and you would prefer to do fun things with them given the choice. Chances are good that those same children when given the choice will choose to see their mother happy and comfortable in a smaller, more affordable home, over watching her rip up floor boards to heat the McMansion. Consider renting for a year while you transition into post divorce life. There are plenty of homes available to rent while you take time to recover financially from the attorney fees and other divorce related costs.

When you include these considerations in your decision making process you will be judging your options from an informed position. The status quo may be overcome by the excitement of new options or the comfort of safety. These are the biggest financial decisions you may ever make. Prepare yourself with self awareness, information, negotiation skills and trustworthy advisors and you will transition successfully into post divorce life.

Justin A. Reckers, CFP®, CDFA™ is Director of Financial Planning at Pacific Wealth Management and a Managing Director of Pacific Divorce Management. Justin specializes in the financial aspects of divorce. He has developed a passion for guiding people through the most emotionally and financially devastating period in their life. He provides education and support during difficult decision making processes in order to facilitate rational and informed conclusions for clients. Justin provides comprehensive post divorce financial planning and wealth management services for clients dedicated to preparing for financial independence and long term success during the post divorce transition. Mr. Reckers is a sought after speaker and writer on many topics including Behavioral Finance, Divorce Financial Planning and Collaborative Divorce. He can be reached at 858-509-2329 or jreckers@pacdivorce.com.

This article is not legal advice. You should consult an attorney if you have legal questions that relate to your specific divorce.