Dear Susan,

I am recently separated and shocked by the rejection I am experiencing from friends and relatives – even those with whom I thought I had a close relationship. Can you explain why this is happening and how to I can better handle it? ~ZM

Dear ZM,

While I am sorry to hear that about your experience, I am not surprised. It is not uncommon for people to drop a divorcing friend or relative like a hot potato. What you need to know is that how people react to your news is not about you - it's about them and their beliefs or fears. Try not to take it personally (easier said than done, I know).

When you tell others that you are divorcing, the first thought most will have is "How will your decision impact me?" These reactions may range from, "Oh no, if they're divorcing, what's going to happen to me and my spouse?" (as though it is contagious), or "Divorce is only for weak-minded people." In some cases, friends and family may feel awkward because they don't want to take sides or they simply don't know what to say to you.

It is inevitable that you will lose some of the people you feel close to in divorce. It's just part of the fallout that comes with marital dissolution and it can be very painful.

If a friend or relative with whom you want to maintain relations backs off, you may have to frankly state your desire. Let her know how much she means to you and request that she make a conscious effort to maintain your friendship. Most people will respond positively to this request and if they don't, they probably weren't as good a friend as you thought they were.

Divorce is hard enough to endure without the added rejection from those around you. I encourage you to let go of anyone who judges or shuns you and surround yourself with people who will be there for you through thick and thin. Find a new community of other divorcing people and get as much support as you can.

Take good care,

Susan

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Susan Pease Gadoua is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and the founder and director of the Transition Institute of Marin (T.I.M.). Based in San Rafael, California, T.I.M. provides support and education to divorcing women and men. Susan is the author of the upcoming book Contemplating Divorce: A Step-by-step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go (New Harbinger Publications, Inc. © 2007– release date August 2008).

Read Susan Pease Gadoua’s biography.

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