For divorced families, in particular, the holidays represent a time when the loss of family togetherness is brought home by the memories of earlier times (perhaps more glowing in memory than they were in life) and grief at the loss of shared Thanksgiving turkeys, or the opening of gifts, or the annual trek to the grandparent’s house for a gathering of extended family and friends.

Children, particularly, can have mixed emotions as the holidays approach, and they may find themselves looking back and longing for happier times. But disappointment over the lost illusion of fairy tale endings, like our lost belief in Santa Clause, is an inevitable part of growing up. And the antidote for these holiday blues is the same as the cure for blues of all kinds – express the sad feelings, move forward with life, retain the best of the old ways, create new ways to honor ourselves and each other, and celebrate the new sources of joy and aliveness in our lives.

When families cannot celebrate the holidays together – and there are many reasons for this, including the unhealed wounds of divorce – we recommend they make an effort to schedule the holidays so that their children spend time with each parent. This can mean Christmas Eve with Dad and Christmas Day with Mom, alternating nights during Hanukkah, Thanksgiving breakfast with one, and dinner with the other, etc. Sometimes, families weave new family traditions around this arrangement (shifting the gift-giving at one household to Christmas Eve, for instance), while others agree to alternate the “prime” holiday time (Thanksgiving dinner, e.g.) from year to year.

But what about families who CAN celebrate together? Families who successfully navigate the tricky waters of divorce often emerge with harmonious – if not friendly - relationships intact. This opens the possibility of creating new rituals – involving, perhaps, the original family along with new relationships, new friends, and new locations. If it’s done well, these new rituals can retain some of the magic of cherished family traditions, while adding new family members and new traditions to expand the circle. This bigger, more inclusive celebration can buffer any difficulties or submerged conflicts between the ex-spouses, to the benefit of everyone… especially the children.

What are the special pitfalls to watch out for during the holidays? Because holidays can be a time of heightened emotions, look out for the old triggers that may cause conflict between you and your ex-spouse this season. You know what they are - anything from his chronic lateness to a dismissive tone about the activities you’ve planned. Use extra willpower to resist the urge to engage. And don’t ask your children to deliver messages between you. This is stressful for children, especially during the tension-prone holiday periods.

Finally, build on the joy of this season to enrich your relationship with your children. Don’t stint on the “I love you’s”. Energize every moment with the holiday spirit. And err on the side of generosity and self-expression whenever you can.

Russell Collins, MFT and Laura Collins, JD, are a psychotherapist/lawyer co-mediation team specializing in child-friendly divorce. They live and work in Santa Barbara. They can be contacted through their website www.collinsmediation.com, or by email at inquiry@collinsmediation.com.

1. Talk to your children about their feelings, if they want to talk.
2. Resist the temptation to compete with your ex–husband for your children’s love and attention.
3. Resist the temptation to make negative comments about your ex–husband in front of your children.
4. Communicate directly with your ex–husband instead of passing messages through your children.
5. Help your children remain connected to their father and relatives through telephone calls, emails and letters. Do this only if your ex–husband isn’t a threat to your children’s physical, emotional or mental well-being.

For more helpful parenting guidelines, read our complete Parenting After Divorce article.

This article is not legal advice. You should consult an attorney if you have legal questions that relate to your specific divorce.

With the remarkable success of President elect Barack Obama and Vice President elect Joe Biden, we have new hope, optimism, and a belief that anything is possible.

We witnessed history yesterday. Our first African-American candidate won his place in the oval office by a landslide that the world hasn’t witnessed since Lyndon B. Johnson was elected in 1964.

This incredible, uplifting energy feels FANTASTIC! Do you feel it? Are you welcoming it into your life? I am and I hope you will too. Embrace it. Believe that anything is possible and go out and get it! Even if you are in the dark depths of divorce and fighting an uphill battle, hold on to hope and believe in change - we do, and know that you can too!

GO OBAMA!!!

What we call the beginning is often the end and to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from. -T.S. Eliot

If you or someone you know is separated, divorced or facing divorce, enter our drawing for a set of Divorce and Break-up greeting cards from Cerebral Itch. Just write a quick comment on this post for your chance to win. One lucky winner will be announced on Wednesday, October 28th.

-    You should get legally divorced before the end of 2008?
-    You can get legally divorced before the end of the year if you wanted to?
-    You have permission to take your children out-of-state for the holidays?
-    Your children will spend Thanksgiving and/or Christmas day with you or their father?
-    You’ll be liable for holiday spending and debt?

If you don’t know the answer to any of these questions, then I encourage you to join The Modern Woman’s Divorce Guide, CEO and Founder, Helene Taylor, Esq. for a teleseminar on Saturday, November 1, 2008 12:15pm PDT/ 1:15pm MDT/ 2:15pm CDT/ 3:15pm EDT.

Helene will be discussing year-end and holiday divorce issues, including:

-    Urgent tax matters
-    Child custody and visitation schedules
-    Holiday spending and liabilities
-    Helene will also answer a select number of participant’s questions.

Don’t miss this call, which is being offered for just $49.

A. Please consider these factors, which are important when spousal support and work are at issue.

Q. If my husband and I participate in the collaborative divorce process, when does the legal waiting period for getting a divorce begin to run?

A. In the collaborative divorce process you and your husband set the pace for your collaborative divorce, and any of these options may be selected.