As certain as the next sunrise, loneliness comes home to roost following a divorce. And it isn’t just your ex’s absence that causes the ache, it’s a combination of factors. Each must slowly work its way through the new equation, and while this process takes place, there are times when you just want to cry.
Causes of Loneliness
We feel lonely much of the time because we’re often isolated from events we used to enjoy (not feeling up to them) and people we used to hang with. And no one seems to understand what we have to say about our situation unless they’ve been through it themselves, so we can often talk ourselves out of engaging others and just elect to “get through it alone.”
We don’t feel valued. Because we aren’t engaging in activities or conversations and no one is pressuring us to do so (usually out of respect for our “space” during what they know are difficult times for us), we begin to feel undervalued and like excess baggage. When we aren’t receiving input from friends and loved ones, we begin to feel unlovable.
We may feel a sense of rejection, not just because we’ve been rejected in a divorce (or have rejected another), but because others seem uncomfortable around us. Perhaps they feel divorce is “contagious” and they don’t want to get close enough to “catch” it… or they don’t want to come across “too strong” and have their concern misunderstood… Or they just don’t know what to say, so they get quiet, or distracted, and avoid us even when we’re nearby. Rejection registers in our thoughts rather quickly when people steer clear of us for any reason.
It isn’t far from feeling isolated, undervalued and rejected before we begin to wonder of God, too, has forgotten about us. We feel disconnected. “Is anybody there? Does anybody care?”
Because we live in a couples-oriented society many of our usual haunts seem off-limits to us after a divorce. Two-for-one dinners. Buy one, get one free… but who needs the free one when there’s no one to share it with? Even Valentine’s Day becomes a quiet agony.
It feels almost like part of you has died. And it has. But don’t get bitter or depressed. And refuse to feel guilty! Don’t sleep around with opportunistic partners and regret it later just because you’re lonely. Don’t get down on yourself for any failings, real or imagined.
Because your resurrection day is just around the corner! More on that next time!
Kristine M. Smith
is indebted to the healing ministry of DivorceCare™ for many of the
insights and for many of the resource materials expressed herein. Visit
DivorceCare for more information. Points of view or opinions expressed in this article are those of the guest author, Kristine M. Smith. The points of view of the author have not been adopted or endorsed by The Modern Woman’s Divorce Guide.
Great article by Kristine! Every divorced woman goes through this transition period. It’s painful but as the saying goes, there’s always light at the end of the tunnel. One way to get through this is to reach out to your friends or relatives. They are your support system. It’s tough but as long as you have your friends to support you, you could make it through the hurt and the pain.
I agree with Beth’s comment. And to add to this post, even though each person’s pain is unique, every divorced woman goes through it. Because of my Christian background, I did not want to be mean through our divorce, but I didn’t want to go broke either. Thankfully, I found some great resources that helped my stress level lower and lowered the cost of my divorce. The number one resource I used was a book I found at this website, http://www.nhlawyer.net/
The book is called, “Divorce Mediation from the Inside Out,” by Ora Schwartzberg. Mediation was key here.