The sense of alienation you may be feeling as a result of your new marital status can cause you to feel you’re about to careen out of control. You find people and situations wildly alluring and attractive even though you know, in your heart of hearts, that you should steer clear of them. Loneliness can create strange bedfellows – sometimes very strange, indeed, leaving you feeling even worse than before, wondering, “What was I thinking?!”
Truth is, you’re not thinking clearly… nor should you expect to be. But that doesn’t mean you should assume “anything goes!” In fact, what it means is, “Find a safe haven as quickly and judiciously as you can!” because if you let your wounded heart lead the way, it will lead you to more wounding. And you’ve had enough of that, haven’t you?
Your First Smart Stop: Church! Your church is a veritable hospital for wounded, struggling people. (A familiar joke goes this way: “Don’t look for a perfect church, because if you find it and join, you’ll ruin it!”) You can’t heal without Christ and His people in your life, even though your pew partners are equally wounded in one way or another. (Christ was wounded, too, as you know, and retains the scars.) Because the rawness of our feelings can cause us to look for love in all the wrong places, making sure that you come to the right place on a weekly basis (or more often) is a smart start to your quest. At church, you will be reminded how much God loves you and how He wants to bless you, and what you can do to help ensure you receive His blessing. You shouldn’t be looking for any other kind of relationship until you’re on very firm footing with the one you acknowledge as your Savior and King.
Emotionally, close to 85% of your energy is probably being consumed by emotions: loneliness, despair, anxiety, depression, fears. Taking yourself anywhere but to church while you’re feeling this way is risky behavior. When you’re feeling needy, be afraid… be very afraid… of where your feelings can take you. Call a good Christian friend and go have a cup of coffee or a salad. Don’t engage in risky behaviors with secular or Christian friends or strangers. Pay close attention to your intuition. If something intuitively feels even remotely flaky, it probably is. “He will give His angels charge concerning you, to guard you in all your ways.”
Don’t hide the fact that you’re separating or divorcing. Isolation can damage your ability to find healthy, necessary outlets. Build a support system of family, friends, and people from church so that you have a foundation on which a core of stability can begin to reassert itself.
Financially, it becomes very tempting to “buy yourself some comfort” out of all proportion to what your budget looks like when you’re “sane.” And instead of keeping the same budget you had while you were married, try to get by on a smaller budget – 20-40% less than when you were married. Put away the credit cards except for truly legitimate purposes. (Starbucks and a third pair of shoes don’t qualify. These are luxuries, not necessities. I promise: you won’t perish without them!)
Get creative. Exchange your skill for another’s: if you’re a website guru, build or enhance your plumber’s website in exchange for his or her services. To cut down on expenses, get a (same gender) roommate. (Be sure your Christian ethics and lifestyles are of the same cloth.) Close to home, use your bicycle to get around instead of your car, or walk. The exercise will raise your endorphins and lift your spirits as it helps lower your risks of many kinds of illnesses and diseases. Learn to discern between needs and wants.
Bottom Line: God has promised to provide us with everything we need, but not with everything we want. When we learn to rest in His provision, it’s amazing how often all the rest of our wants are added to the bounty He provides to us as his beloved children.
Resources
Psalm 91, Old Testament (in its entirety)
A Path Through Suffering, Elisabeth Elliot
Fresh Start Divorce Recovery Workbook, Bob Burns and Tom Whiteman
Life After Divorce, Dr Jim Talley
Single Again Handbook
Single, Married, Separated; Life After Divorce, DR Myles Munroe
To Walk and Not Grow Weary, Fran Sciacca
When the Vow Breaks, Joseph Kniskern
When Your Son or Daughter is Going Through a Divorce, Dr Thomas Whiteman; Debbie Barr
Kristine M. Smith
is indebted to the healing ministry of DivorceCare™ for many of the insights and for many of the resource materials expressed herein. Visit DivorceCare for more information. Points of view or opinions expressed in this article are those of the guest author, Kristine M. Smith. The points of view of the author have not been adopted or endorsed by The Modern Woman’s Divorce Guide.
