While we’re in the throes of an impending divorce and for a substantial period of time afterward, it’s common to feel hurt, angry, and alienated. It seems we’ve been thrown into a clothes washer, half-drowned, spun around until we’re dehydrated, bruised, and three quarters crazy, then pulled out in a heap and dropped onto the cold, hard floor. Our energy level is a mere fraction of what it was before. We feel unsteady; our life takes on a shape we could never have imagined on the day we walked down the aisle with what seemed to be an eternal flame of love and tenderness glowing in our heart.
It isn’t at all uncommon to think we’re dying: Heart palpitations, unmitigated fears, sweaty palms. We’re not dying, but we are grieving a death.
It’s important to be gentle with ourselves and with those we know are sharing similar fates. Divorce hurts. It saps our energy. It makes us feel shaky and volatile. It makes us mad and it makes us sad. After all, we’ve lost something that seemed so right at one time in our lives.
At times like these, it helps to know that what we’re feeling is (gasp!) normal. Don’t expect too much from yourself or from other people. Don’t expect – or even try to attain – rapid recovery. You have experienced an amputation and — as with a physical amputation — it takes time to find a new way to balance, to stand, and to walk with confidence again.
You will recover. Be assured of this. Tape the assurance on your mirror so you can see it every day. And as you pass through the wilderness and into dark valleys, know that Jesus is at your side every step of the way. He promised, “I will never leave you or forsake you.” What you have received from your Savior is a gift: You didn’t earn it and you can’t lose it. It’s yours forever! Reconnect to His love by frequently opening your Bible to read the 66 love letters (Genesis through Revelation) that He has placed there for you to find and embrace. Always talk to Him as you would a trusted friend – because He is!
When you feel anxious (or afraid, or lonely, or angry) look up the term in the index of your Bible and read the passages that promise relief, such as this one regarding anxiety: Philippians 4:6: ”Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Then look for an antidote to your anxiety within other passages, like this one from Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Bottom Line: Rock-solid happiness, joy and contentment aren’t found inside marriage. None of these are based in any human relationship. True joy can only be found in Christ. Real contentment is being content to be cherished by Christ alone, who fulfills every real need we have.
Resources
Psalm 91, Old Testament (in its entirety)
A Path Through Suffering, Elisabeth Elliot
Fresh Start Divorce Recovery Workbook, Bob Burns and Tom Whiteman
Life After Divorce, Dr Jim Talley
Single Again Handbook
Single, Married, Separated & Life After Divorce, DR Myles Munroe
To Walk and Not Grow Weary, Fran Sciacca
When the Vow Breaks, Joseph Kniskern
When Your Son or Daughter is Going Through a Divorce, Dr Thomas Whiteman & Debbie Barr
Kristine M. Smith is indebted to the healing ministry of DivorceCare™ for many of the insights and for many of the resource materials expressed herein. Visit DivorceCare for more information. Points of view or opinions expressed in this article are those of the guest author, Kristine M. Smith. The points of view of the author have not been adopted or endorsed by The Modern Woman’s Divorce Guide.
