When we divorce, we don’t “separate” – we are torn apart! During the marriage ceremony, a minister usually repeats the Biblical passage about two people becoming one flesh (Gen 2:24). And it’s true. That which is welded together during the ensuing months and years prior to a parting of the ways and divorce is no more easily separable than is your flesh from your sinews, muscles, tendons and bones. That’s why it hurts so much.
You end up with a broken heart, a broken spirit and a pained soul. Only God can truly heal what ails you now. Oh, you may feel driven to look other places for your healing, but it will be a quixotic adventure, doomed to failure (and repeated heartbreak), unless you return to His side, humble yourself, and listen to what your circumstances and He will show you (without condemnation and via immense love) if you will only give them the chance.
There are six stages of loss: shock, grief, blame, acceptance/goodbye, rebuilding, and resolution. They don’t always occur in this particular order, but each stage nearly always happens as we limp our way back to wholeness and meaning.
You’ve already experienced the shock part if you’ve accessed this website looking for information and help. In the shock phase – which can last from five or six days to five or six weeks – you feel numb, colorless, perhaps even invisible or half-deaf. You feel this way because your God-given nervous system is enveloping you in a cocoon of chemical comfort, allowing you enough time to come to grips with a stark new reality.
Following the shock phase, you begin to mourn the difficult loss. Something important has died, whether you chose to end it or not and (especially if you didn’t choose it) it’s truly devastating. During this phase you’ll be stalked and ambushed by grief. Even when you least expect the assault, it will come, seemingly out of nowhere, leaving you alternately anxious, angry and fearful. This grief rocks your world. You may not be able to eat, or sleep, or retain information.
Next up: blame. You may blame your ex-spouse or yourself. You analyze the situation from every angle and try to discern who “should” take the hardest hit for the disaster that has befallen you. If you remain stuck in this phase for a long time, the blame can turn to resentment and then to bitterness that can last for decades, harming no one so much as yourself.
In the next phase, you begin to let reality take its actual shape. You start to accept the circumstances you find yourself in and begin to say goodbye to the dream of reconciliation and of “happily ever after” with your ex. Life becomes teary again. The anger is gone. You realize that what has taken place will not kill you, but it will change you. It’s a sad time because at last you’re able and willing to say goodbye, and mean it, without rancor.
From this platform your vision of building anew over a new foundation begins to take shape. You feel a sense of hope and direction. You spend much more time looking forward instead of backward. Life seems brighter and quite amenable again. Your smile returns and the spring returns to your step. Your energy level significantly improves.
At the end of these phases, you’ll reach resolution. You’ll recognize there’s meaning to life beyond the passing of this era in your life.
Bottom Line: In the end you’ll discover that only God’s love, beating from within your own heart and the hearts of those who love you without limit, can heal you of your broken heart.
Resources
Healing for Damaged Emotions, Dr David Seamands
Healing for the Empty Heart, Marion Duckworth
Inside Out, Dr. Larry Crabb
Lord, Heal My Hurts, Kay Arthur
Recovering From the Losses of Life, H. Norman Wright
Kristine M. Smith
is indebted to the healing ministry of DivorceCare™ for many of the insights and for many of the resource materials expressed herein. Visit DivorceCare for more information. Points of view or opinions expressed in this article are those of the guest author, Kristine M. Smith. The points of view of the author have not been adopted or endorsed by The Modern Woman’s Divorce Guide.
