Monika Holzer Sacks has more than 28 years of experience working with families and individuals in all areas of family law and mediation. She is a trained divorce mediator and arbitrates divorces. She also is certified in Collaborative Law. Her firm, Nichols, Sacks, Slank, Sendelbach & Buiteweg, PC, has offices in Ann Arbor and Brighton, Michigan. Ms. Sacks can be reached at 734/994-3000 or monika@nsssb.com.
Recently, Ms. Sacks took time out of her busy schedule to answer The Modern Woman’s Divorce Guide questions about divorce.
1. What are the grounds for divorce in your state? No Fault. The marital relationship has broken down to the extent that the objects of matrimony have been destroyed and there remains no reasonable likelihood that the marriage can be preserved.
2. Does fault (such as infidelity or domestic violence) affect the outcome of a divorce in your state? If so, how? It can. Fault is still a factor in awarding property, spousal support and child custody. For the latter, it needs to directly impact the children, except for domestic violence which need not occur in the presence of the children. If the father, however, had an affair that the children were unaware of and the mother did not know of until after the divorce was filed, it probably won’t impact the settlement.
3. If a woman is preparing for divorce what, if anything, can she do to improve the outcome of her case? Educate yourself. You should begin reading about the subject. You should attend any seminars available at women’s centers. You should meet with an attorney early to find out the alternatives and what life may be like following divorce. You should be knowledgeable regarding the family finances. Ideally, you should be employable. If you need additional training to obtain employment that pays a living wage and benefits, you should get it now while there is family money to provide for your education. You also should check web sites and talk with friends and acquaintances to find women-supportive attorneys. Try to avoid litigation and find lawyers who will mediate or work in collaborative practice, if possible.
4. What are some of the biggest obstacles women face in divorce? Women are generally poor gamblers, yet they will stake their entire futures upon the health, generosity and goodwill of their husbands. If you’re getting divorced, you should know how much your husband earns, what investments and savings the family has and what debt the family has. You should make copies of all the financial documents and store them off premises. In addition, you need to be sufficiently educated and in touch with the work world to be able to return to work.
5. When should a woman take her case to trial? When shouldn’t she? Go to trial when the other side is being unreasonable to the point where the likely outcome at trial will be better than what you are being offered. Most other times, I favor mediating or collaborating early on in the case. Trials will cost about $20,000 to $40,000. The expected outcome at trial needs to be that much better than what is being offered, though sometimes you have to be sufficiently tough to make the other side believe that you will go to trial. Many cases settle just before trial (as in the morning of). You need to present an image of, “you bet I’ll go through with it if you don’t make a reasonable offer.”
6. How can a woman make divorce easier on her children? Keep them out of the middle. Do not talk with them about the case, other than to let them know that you and their father will always love them and continue to be their parents. I recommend that all my clients read Mom’s House Dad’s House, by Isolina Ricci and It’s Not Your Fault Koko Bear, by Vicki Lansky. Do not disparage their father and try to be in a financial position to care adequately for the children. Keep yourself together enough to be a good parent during a very stressful time. Confide in your counselor (therapist) and friends, not your children.
7. What qualities should a woman look for in a divorce lawyer? Someone who limits his/her practice to family law or at least devotes a good measure of his or her practice to this area. Someone who listens to you and tries to meet your objectives. Someone who firmly, but sternly, will tell you when you are being unrealistic. Someone who will support and promote mediation and collaborative practice to help empower you. Someone who has time in his/her practice to accept your case. Someone who is referred by others who have had a relatively good experience.
8. What should a woman do if she disagrees with her divorce lawyer’s recommendations? Discuss the disagreement with the lawyer and try to determine whether it is a difference in objectives, a difference in style, a misunderstanding of the facts – what? If you two can’t get on the same page, seek a second opinion. If the second lawyer is advising the same thing, then you know that your objectives are not realistic. If the second lawyer meshes better, then substitute that lawyer for the first lawyer. Be aware that changing lawyers often signals to the court that you are shopping for a lawyer who will provide the advice you want, not what the law permits. Don’t change lawyers too often. It will be held against you.
9. If you could impart any of your wisdom to a woman who is going through divorce, what would it be? Work with a therapist in addition to the lawyer. It will reduce your legal fees, since the therapist can help with the emotional baggage at a lower cost than the lawyer. Find someone you trust to represent you and work with that person. Have the courage to empower yourself to talk with your soon to be ex-husband directly (you may need to learn this skill). You will have to deal with him for a long time, especially if you have children.
10. Are there any divorce books or resources that you would like to recommend to women going through divorce? If so, please list them below. I already listed the best ones in answer #6 for people who have children. Another good one is How to Avoid the Divorce from Hell, by M. Sue Talia.
This article is not legal advice. You should consult an attorney if you have questions that relate to your divorce and finances.
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