the modern woman's divorce guide

Did you know that one legend about the origin of Valentine’s Day had more to do with a breakup than a hookup?  The story of Valentine, one of several Roman Catholic priests with that name, has faded into a few different stories over the years.  All of them agree that he was imprisoned and martyred in Rome in about AD 269, and most of them agree that he fell in love with the daughter of his jailer.  The story, as handed down by the Belorussians, had Valentine literally heartbroken when this woman rejected him.  They wrote that he actually cut out his own heart and sent it to her as a reminder of his eternal devotion.

Now that’s love.

There are so many traditions around Valentine’s Day that center around hearts and love and romantic gestures.  Unfortunately, one of these traditions is feeling badly if nobody directs their affections toward you.  If you do feel badly, I don’t recommend cutting out your heart in despair, even if it hurts to watch those around you celebrate their love, while you stand alone and try not to let it bother you.  How do you get through the pain?

My strategy has always been to ignore the traditions and do my own thing.  I have always been suspicious of “Christian” celebrations that were originally merged with pagan festivals, and Valentine’s Day is one of them.  I have also been a single mom most of my adult life, so my habit has always been to keep rolling like its just another day.

What about you?  I think it depends on your attitude, really.  If Valentine’s Day has always been important to you, you may need to make an extra effort to schedule another event that evening so you aren’t tempted to feel sorry for yourself.  You may want to focus on being happy for someone else’s new love, although you may have to resist the temptation to tell them, “Enjoy it while you can, because it’s just going to go down the drain in a few years.”  I knew one lady who was recently divorced and very unhappy about it.  To cheer herself up, she sent herself flowers at work, making everyone else wonder who her secret admirer was.

Tell yourself whatever you need to feel better, but don’t let anyone else tell you that you have to feel bad just because you don’t have a man to wish you a “Happy Valentine’s Day”, and ask you to dinner with wine and roses and a card.  You don’t need others telling you that you should expect romantic gifts and the star treatment on some arbitrary day like February 14th. Sure, dinner, roses, and a man’s affection are nice, but wouldn’t it be much more satisfying to discover your own worth than to depend on someone else to define your worth or lovability? This Valentine’s could be the perfect time for you to make new traditions, if you like, and more importantly, to do something nice for yourself for a change!

Lucy Spencer is a freelance writer, encourager, and tax preparer who has survived three divorces and a custody battle with her confidence intact. She is happily remarried and lives in Indiana with her husband and their cat.