the modern woman's divorce guide

Donna Beck Weaver is a Certified Specialist in Family Law, State Bar of California Board of Legal Specialization with 30 years of experience. Ms. Weaver is the co-founder of the Los Angeles Collaborative Family Law Association (LACFLA), a Board member of the International Academy of Collaborative Practitioners (IACP) and a fellow of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML). Ms. Weaver was named a Super-Lawyer of Southern California for the past two years and her practice is located in Santa Monica, California. Ms. Weaver may be reached at 310/458-3336, at weaver@donnabeckweaver.com or by visiting www.donnabeckweaver.com.

Recently, Ms. Weaver took time out of her busy schedule to answer The Modern Woman’s Divorce Guide’s questions about divorce.

1. What are the grounds for divorce in your state? “Irreconcilable Differences” is the reason almost universally used in California. We also have a curious alternative ground of “Incurable Insanity”, but it turns out to be unwise to use because then the law can require you to support your insane spouse indefinitely!

2. Does fault (such as infidelity or domestic violence) affect the outcome of a divorce in your state? If so, how? “No fault” is the general rule in California divorce. But Domestic Violence can impact child custody orders.

3. If a woman is preparing for divorce what, if anything, can she do to improve the outcome of her case? First, spend some time focusing on your own hopes and objectives for your life after divorce. What do you need to make your life work? What are your priorities and what is less important? In other words, what would a good outcome look like to you? Think in broad terms, such as: I would like to have financial security, I would like our children to be protected from the impact of the divorce, I would like to maintain good relationships with extended family who care about our children, etc. Working with a therapist can be helpful if this part feels impossible, for example because of strong feelings about the separation.

Next, figure out what you have to work with. This step includes all the real-world information such as the family income and expenses, assets and debts. Consultation with an attorney can be helpful in understanding legal considerations. Consultation with a financial planner who specializes in divorce for understanding how the “out-go” matches up with the available income, and looking at the financial impact of various options.

4. What are some of the biggest obstacles women face in divorce? Divorce is almost always an unwelcome life transition. Like a difficult medical diagnosis, it hits very close to the bone. Many women are surprised by how overwhelmed they feel. Just when they should be putting together a knowledgeable support network, they may be incapacitated by depression or anxiety. Take just one step and get yourself to a therapist or a divorce coach. They are a lifeline in divorce.

5. When should a woman take her case to trial? When shouldn’t she? Trial should be considered the last resort, only to be used in the event that dedicated settlement efforts fail. Over 95% of divorces settle eventually, so why waste money preparing for a trial that is so unlikely? Instead, use your resources to sort out a thoughtful, workable settle-ment. Further, trial outcomes are notoriously unpredictable and costly, and also the ad-versarial court system literally pits one party against the other in a war-like environment in which one is the “winner” and one is the “loser.” Most women realize that such an environment is harmful to themselves, children, and all living things. But the court is a backstop in case more constructive efforts fail.

6. How can a woman make divorce easier on her children? Work to establish a new co-parenting relationship with your Ex, so that the children do not feel that they must move between warring camps. Read some good books such as “What About The Kids?” by Judith Wallerstein. If mediating, get a neutral child development specialist involved for kid issues. If using collaborative divorce, make sure a neutral child specialist is part of the team.

7. What qualities should a woman look for in a divorce lawyer? These days there is a lot of specialization among divorce lawyers. Many are focusing their practices on settlement modalities such as mediation and collaborative law. Others are not so effective at settlement but great if the matter must go to court. Start with a lawyer whose focus best matches your objectives. Usually, it is advisable to start with a lawyer who will initiate settlement efforts rather than litigation. This is because it is difficult to go back to a settlement mode once someone starts “shooting.”

8. What should a woman do if she disagrees with her divorce lawyer’s recommendations? Second opinions are just as helpful in legal matters as in medical matters. But to be actually worthwhile to you, the opinion should be from a disinterested attorney. That means someone who knows you are not going to “switch” to them, but will only be seeking their independent analysis.

9. If you could impart any of your wisdom to a woman who is going through divorce, what would it be? Use your skills as a consumer to get the right kind of help and the right kind of process for your situation. My recommendation is to get help in each of these four areas: legal, emotional, financial and children. Choose family-friendly proc-esses such as mediation or collaborative law if at all possible. If in mediation, don’t tough it out alone. Hire your own consultants in the four areas above, even if only for a few hours each. It will save you loads of confusion and help you negotiate more wisely to make a good foundation for your future life.

10. Are there any divorce books or resources that you would like to recommend to women going through divorce? If so, please list them below. My current favorite for guidance for women starting on the divorce path is Divorce Without Court: A Guide to Mediation & Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Stoner.

This article is not legal advice. You should consult an attorney if you have questions that relate to your divorce and finances.

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