the modern woman's divorce guide

Louise T. Truax is a family lawyer in Fairfield, Connecticut. Ms. Truax is a Fellow of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, the Chair-Elect of the Connecticut Bar Association, Family Law Section and the Connecticut Family Lawyer, Editor-in-Chief. She is a frequent lecturer and has authored numerous articles in the field of matrimonial law. Ms. Truax can be reached at LT007@aol.com or 203/254-9877.

Recently, Ms. Truax took time out of her busy schedule to answer The Modern Woman’s Divorce Guide’s questions about divorce.

1. What are the grounds for divorce in your state? The primary ground for divorce in Connecticut is that the parties marriage has broken down irretrievably. 99.99% of all divorces are granted on those grounds, which is in essence, no fault. However, we also have the traditional fault grounds of the parties have lived apart for 18 months; adultery, fraud, desertion, 7 years absence without hearing from the other spouse, habitual intemperance, intolerable cruelty, imprisonment, or confinement to a psychiatric institution for more than five years. I have only had one person who wanted to bring an action based upon one of the traditional fault factors, and quickly talked her out of it!

2. Does fault (such as infidelity or domestic violence) affect the outcome of a divorce in your state? If so, how? Our alimony and property division statutes list, as one of the factors the court can take into account, the cause for the breakdown of the marriage. In most cases, because the judges hear about fault every day, the fault must be particularly aggregious. Many judges will look at how the fault comes out at the trial. If one party just wants to “tar and feather” the other because of the fault, many judges will not be impressed. They will also look at how the offender handles the issue as well. If you have someone who is an alcoholic, admits it and seeks treatment, then they will be more positively viewed than someone who continues to ignore the problem. I tell most of my clients that the fault issue is probably what gets them to come through the door to my office and, from an emotional standpoint, is the most important thing to them. However, for a judge, it is not the most important thing and they need to accept that from the outset. Fault can tip the scales a few percentage points with respect to the property division.

3. If a woman is preparing for divorce what, if anything, can she do to
improve the outcome of her case? She needs to get all of the financial information that is available to her as soon as possible. Quite often documents start disappearing once the divorce action is filed. Many women are advised to stop working or to not look for jobs. That, in many instances, is not realistic and is a setup for further litigation in the future. While they may not get as much alimony at the time of the divorce if they are working, the reality is that a judge could find them to have an earning capacity and base the alimony on the earning capacity. Barring that, if they did get a job post divorce, they could then be subject to a modification of the alimony. That serves no purpose.

4. What are some of the biggest obstacles women face in divorce? One of the biggest obstacles is advice which they obtain from many sources, other than the professionals that they hire during the divorce, that may not be knowledgeable. I often have clients come and tell me about things they have read and friends that they have spoken with about their divorce and what did I think about that information. You cannot compare your divorce to your neighbor’s divorce – the facts most assuredly will not be the same.

Women tend to get emotional over certain assets, such as the house, and become unrealistic as far as their ability to pay for it in the future. A divorce should be treated as a business deal – because for many, this will be the biggest business deal of their lives. They need to know the financial ramifications of the decisions that they are making in the divorce and for their future.

5. When should a woman take her case to trial? When shouldn’t she? That ends up being a very fact driven decision. When I analyze a case for clients, I tell them that if I take 10 different judges and put them in 10 different rooms, we will have 10 different decisions. However, these 10 decisions will be in a range. It is within that range that you try to settle the case. If the case is being settled at the bottom end or below the range for the Wife, then it might be prudent to take the case to trial. If it is being settled at the half way point of the range or above, then it may be prudent to settle the case.

Judges have a tremendous amount of discretion in their decisions. It is not like a murder case in which the judge has sentencing guidelines of 25 years to life. Judges have a range of 0% to 100%, although getting a decision at either extreme is remote and highly unlikely (as in, never seen it before!). The judges own personal bias can come into play. Your client can remind the judge of his sister in law who screwed over his brother in a divorce. Judges frequently cannot be as creative in finding and crafting a solution that meets the needs of both parties, as can the attorney’s representing both parties. Finally, you are always better off dealing with the devil you know (your Husband) than the devil you don’t know (the judge).

6. How can a woman make divorce easier on her children? Don’t fight over the children. So many fights over the children are really about the parent’s issues with each other. The children need to know that although the parents are getting divorced, they both love them and will get to be with both parents. Early on, the parents should try to come up with a schedule that meets everyone’s needs. It is imperative that the parents talk about issues pertaining to the children. Otherwise, the children will start triangulating and pitting the parents against each other – this stops the moment one parent picks up the phone and calls the other parent. What parents need to remember is that they are going to be parenting for the rest of their lives. They don’t ever want their children to have to be in a position of picking one parent over the other.

7. What qualities should a woman look for in a divorce lawyer? They should look for a lawyer who will listen to them, who is experienced and does mainly family law. Find out how their offices works i.e. what other staff members are there and who will be working on their case. Find out what the fee structure is and if it is affordable. Find out what the lawyers philosophy is on handling a case i.e. are they the type that goes for the jugular no matter what, or do they try to resolve it and only go for the jugular when needed? The former type of lawyer is one who is going to ratchet up the tensions, whether warranted or not, and most often is not the best type of lawyer to have handle these cases. The latter type is the kind that will do what needs to be done in order to get the case resolved. Ask how many of their cases are tried versus settled. If many of them are tried, then that is not a good sign. Also, the lawyer who answers questions by giving you answers that you want are only trying to get your business. You want a lawyer who is going to give you the straight answers, whether you like it or not.

8. What should a woman do if she disagrees with her divorce lawyer’s
recommendations? She should find out what the reasons are for the recommendations. She should then seek a second opinion from another qualified matrimonial lawyer.

9. If you could impart any of your wisdom to a woman who is going through divorce, what would it be? Take a deep breath. You will make it. It may look like an impossible road to face, but you will and in the end you will be much happier. Don’t second guess yourself.

This article is not legal advice. You should consult an attorney if you have questions that relate to your divorce and finances.

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