Karen A. Plax has 31 years of experience in all areas of family law and matrimonial arbitration. Ms. Plax has been selected as one of The Best Lawyers in America since 1991 and Kansas City Magazine named her one of the top two family lawyers in 2002 and 2003 and one of the top dissolution attorneys in the Kansas City area. The Missouri Bar Family Law Section honored Ms. Plax as the Family Law Practitioner of the Year in 2005 and she was selected as a Super Lawyer in 2005, 2006 and 2007. In 2007 Ms. Plax was selected as one of the top 50 attorneys in Missouri. She is a frequent lecturer, has authored a variety of articles in the field of matrimonial law and is active in many distinguished legal associations. Her firm is located in Kansas City, Missouri and she may be reached at 816/942-1900 or kaplax@swbell.net.

Recently, Ms. Plax took time out of her busy schedule to answer The Modern Woman’s Divorce Guide questions about divorce.

1. What are the grounds for divorce in your state? In Missouri a divorce is called a dissolution of marriage. The grounds for a dissolution of marriage are irreconcilable differences which result in the marriage being irretrievably broken with no reasonable likelihood the marriage can be preserved. If one spouse claims that there are not irreconcilable differences then the court must find one of the following: that a spouse has committed adultery and the other spouse finds it intolerable to live with the spouse; that the spouse behaved in a manner so that the other spouse cannot be reasonably expected to live with the spouse; that the other spouse has abandoned the spouse for a continuous six month period; or that the spouses have lived separate and apart by agreement for 12 months or otherwise for 24 months.

2. Does fault (such as infidelity or domestic violence) affect the outcome of a divorce in your state? If so, how? Missouri is an equitable distribution state which means that the court must decide how marital assets and debts should be divided by considering all relevant information including certain factors listed in the statute. One of those factors is the conduct of each spouse which includes both positive and negative conduct. A judge may decide to award more of the marital property to one spouse when there is considerable “fault” or bad conduct by the other spouse particularly where that conduct has had a negative impact on the financial circumstances of the family. The conduct of a spouse seeking financial support which is called maintenance in Missouri is also considered when the judge decides whether to grant such support and in what amount. Because the judges have discretion to make these decisions and many factors are considered sometimes “fault” plays a very small role in the outcome of a divorce and other times not. If the “fault” is domestic violence it can have a significant impact on decisions regarding custody. In fact where violence has been directed toward a child, the judge has to make specific findings as to how the custodial arrangements protect the child.

3. If a woman is preparing for divorce what, if anything, can she do to improve the outcome of her case? First, she should become knowledgeable about the family finances. Many women are the “bill payers” in the family and they are well acquainted with the expenses incurred to maintain the family whereas other women have little knowledge about such costs. The retirement and other benefits from employment can be of substantial value and the woman should learn as much about these benefits-both hers and those of her spouse as she can. Next she should have a complete physical examination so any unknown health concerns can be found and addressed in the divorce. She should request her doctor to test for sexually transmitted diseases at the time of this physical. She should start thinking about what type of restructuring of the family in terms of sharing of physical time with the children would work best. She might consult a child specialist to get ideas on various options. Reading about the impact of divorce on children can be very helpful in preparing to deal with the possible anxiety and grief the children may experience during this time. She might utilize www.UpToParents.org, a free website with helpful assessments and ideas for parenting during a time of divorce. She should document important events so that she has a useful timeline for relevant information. She should consult a competent attorney to help guide her in the specifics of her case.

4. What are some of the biggest obstacles women face in divorce? Divorce can be financially and emotionally stressful. Women can find it difficult to manage their ongoing lives including work and children when the resources become more limited and the demands on them increase. Women sometimes have to take on new roles such as managing the finances and/or returning to the workplace after many years focusing on raising children. Adjusting to time without their children with them can be very difficult. The complications imposed by the legal requirements can add to the stresses. Divorces often take a long time and involve arbitrary aspects such as child support guidelines.

5. When should a woman take her case to trial? When shouldn’t she? Generally an agreement reached by two spouses is preferable to a decision made by a judge. In a negotiated resolution of the issues a result tailored to your family with its particular needs can be achieved. Often a trial results in a “cookie cutter” result. No one knows more about your family or cares more about the outcome than the two spouses and so agreements fashioned by the spouses are generally much more comprehensive and better suited. However, if a spouse will not agree to be fair about support or dividing assets or how the children’s time and decisions regarding the children should be made then a trial is necessary.

6. How can a woman make divorce easier on her children? Children are aware of how their mother is feeling. If she is very distressed or sad or angry those emotions will impact the children. The more together a mother can be during this time the easier it will be on the children. Seeking help from a professional on how to tell the children, how to act toward them and how to treat your spouse can make it much easier on the children. The psychological literature has demonstrated that the most negative outcomes of divorce for children occur when their parents continue to fight. So to the extent a mother can avoid fighting in front of the children and reassure them they are loved by both of their parents and cooperate with their spouse in allowing the children frequent time with their father the children will benefit.

7. What qualities should a woman look for in a divorce lawyer? I think the lawyer should be one who has limited his or her practice to family law. The lawyer should be very knowledgeable about the law but also be a person who is fair minded and interested in the welfare of the family. The woman should consider an attorney who has been trained in collaborative law, a method of resolving family law issues through negotiation rather than litigation. The woman should feel comfortable talking to her lawyer and the lawyer should demonstrate that he or she understands the woman’s concerns and interests. A lawyer who is honest with the client about what she can expect during the process and in possible outcomes is much more valuable than a lawyer who only tells you what he or she thinks you want to hear or fails to point out to you fallacies in your thinking or behavior.

8. What should a woman do if she disagrees with her divorce lawyer’s recommendations? She should schedule an appointment with her lawyer to discuss why she disagrees with the advice and to ask the lawyer to explain what the bases are for the recommendation. She should ask the lawyer to give her a written explanation for the advice. She should speak up regarding her reasons that she believes the advice to be unworkable in her situation. Sometimes the law is unfair and the lawyer can’t obtain for a client what the client thinks is fair. Sometimes, though, a lawyer may have failed to adequately consider what this client’s interests or concerns were or may even have missed some important fact and good communication can clear things up. If that does not work, then the woman should consult a separate attorney for a review of the situation.

9. If you could impart any of your wisdom to a woman who is going through divorce, what would it be? Do those things necessary to take care of yourself while going through the process–have dinner with your friends, ask your parents or another friend to watch your children so you can do the tedious paperwork required in a divorce, use a counselor to support you through this major change in your life. Be patient. Educate yourself. Be sure you understand what your attorney is suggesting and how the financial and other decisions will impact your daily life. Speak up. Try to be fair even if the divorce is not your idea and you feel devastated and angry. Ask your lawyer for help in any phase of the divorce.

10. Are there any divorce books or resources that you would like to recommend to women going through divorce? As indicated above www.UpToParents.org is a useful website. The Collaborative Way to Divorce by Stuart G. Webb and Ronald D. Ousky. Smart Ways to Save Money During and After Divorce by Ginita Wall and Victoria Felton-Collins.

This article is not legal advice. You should consult an attorney if you have questions that relate to your divorce and finances.

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