You’ve made it through the divorce process – maybe with ease or some difficulty – now you have a judgment or divorce decree in place. It would be great if everything from here on out was smooth sailing but unfortunately for many, this isn’t the case.
Often, for many women finalizing their divorces with a judgment or divorce decree is just the beginning. Some men (ex-spouse’s) resist the divorce and child support agreements. They become very controlling of their money and don’t want you to see a dime of it. This is especially true if the divorce was either difficult or initiated by you.
This can lead to years of conflict and stress as you try to force your ex to comply with the court order or judgment. So what do you do? There are options, but first and foremost your ultimate goal should be to become completely self-sufficient. Many women, especially with kids, don’t like to hear this. After all isn’t’ it the fathers duty to keep providing for their children? Well of course it is but you can waste a lot of time energy, emotions, and money trying to get them to comply, and it is reasonable for you to become self supporting if you are healthy and not yet in the retirement years. That said you shouldn’t be bullied out of money you need and your ex shouldn’t be able to shrug off his agreements or the judgment. So, what can you do? Take the correct steps ethically and legally to get your ex to comply.
5 Tips for Enforcing a Judgment after Divorce
1. Communicate
If you have a relatively good relationship with your ex talk to him. Try to find out (in a non-confrontational way) why he isn’t complying with the order. If he has reasons that make sense (lost job, illness, etc.) then try to work with him. See when he thinks he will comply, how you can make it easier for him to do so (pick up the check, set up a PayPal account for direct deposit, etc.), and do it.
Don’t accept excuses and lies. Follow your intuition with his reasons and what is best for you and your children (if you have any.)
Often there’s a lot of tension between two former spouses and bringing up the subject of money and court can spur more tension. Bringing up the subject in a mature, non-threatening manner makes it easier to work out a solution. Trying to understand your ex’s situation (even if you could care less) is vital to getting him to understand yours and why you need him to comply.
2. Get Legal Help
Once you’ve tried to communicate with your ex (assuming you have a decent relationship) and that doesn’t work, you can get help from your lawyer or local child support office.
Tell your lawyer what’s been going on and about your attempts (if any) to resolve it on your own. Your lawyer will advise you on how to proceed. He or she can file motions raising the non-compliance and seeking to enforce the court judgment. Your lawyer may also contact your ex’s lawyer to seek compliance and possibly, avoid filing any motions.
If you have a court ordered child support judgment, a caseworker at your local child support agency may be able to assist you. Most states have clear guidelines and consequences for non-compliance with child support. These offices are working on overload so you must be proactive to get resolution or enforcement.
Many men go to great lengths to avoid paying child support or alimony; constantly changing jobs, working under the table, living ‘off the books’. You have to decide how much effort its worth to enforce support orders. This could be something you’re entangled in for years.
Yes, it’s their responsibility but unfortunately life isn’t always fair and this may be one of those cases. Never ask your children to get involved in any issues between you and your ex. Keep it between the two of you, no matter how frustrated you may become.
3. Become Self Sufficient
Depending on how long you were married and your specific situation this may be the first time being on your own. You may be unsure of your ability to take care of yourself and family, especially financially. Its okay, many women have been there too – they’ve succeeded and you will too.
The first step to take is to decide what kind of life you want for yourself, on your own, without anyone’s financial help. You must believe that you can provide everything you and your children need completely on your own. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.
Once you know what you want, start taking active steps to achieve it. Get a good job, return to school; get job training, or whatever you must do to insure a bright future for you (and your kids if you have them). If you need help seek it. Ask friends, family, church members, whatever support you have, to help you as you make this transition to assure a great future for yourself and family.
If you don’t have a support group get one. There are many women’s groups, single parent groups, church and spiritual groups that can help you on your journey.
When you stop relying on your ex for financial and emotional support you’ll experience a great freedom and surge in self esteem. When you feel good about yourself and secure on your own you’ll feel happier and so will all those around you. Strangely enough when women stop the battle for enforcement, men sometimes begin to comply (men!).
4. Set Clear Expectations
Setting clear expectations for your ex, yourself, and your children is essential. This is new for all of you; there are sure to be bumps along the way but knowing what to expect makes it easier.
Your spouse should comply with the support orders and make sure he knows you expect him to do so. If he doesn’t (and you have a court order, which you should, especially if he’s not doing his part) contact your lawyer and child support office to enforce it.
Let him know how you’re going to handle the situation if he refuses to comply. Many men will bully and evade their ex’s, but act quite differently when faced with authority.
If you’re afraid for your safety, please seek help and protection with the proper legal authorities.
Be clear within your own mind of what to expect. It won’t be easy to become financially independent if you haven’t been before but it also isn’t impossible. Understand that you can expect more work, less time for yourself, challenges with children who are adjusting to changes, and in many cases, resistance from your ex. Once you have a clear image of what may come up you wont’ be easily shaken if it happens.
You know your ex better than anyone. If he’s been difficult it will probably continue with support issues; if he’s been dishonest you can expect that too. Knowing what to expect will enable you to decide ahead of time how you will handle difficult situations like non-compliance with court orders. Then, if and when it happens, follow the plan you’ve made.
Set clear expectations with your children too. Let them know that you don’t expect them to be involved in problems with you and the other parent. Tell them you expect them to have their own relationship with their parent regardless of how you and your ex are getting along. Free them from this burden from day one!
5. Make and Follow a Plan
Once you’ve established expectations you need to make a plan to deal with non-compliance. Will you call your ex? How many times? What are legitimate excuses for non-compliance?
Maybe you’ve decided to immediately contact your local child support office if he misses one payment. No matter what your plan is follow it. Don’t be charmed or scared into changing it. When you make a plan in a rational state of mind stick to it and your ex-spouse will know you mean business and will hopefully begin to comply.
If you change what you do every time, letting him talk or threaten his way out of it, he’ll see your plan as idle threats. You won’t get anywhere this way and it will cause unnecessary stress on an already strained relationship.
Once you’ve divorced, if you have children together, you’re not necessarily finished interacting with your ex. Stay focused, calm, and positive and you’ll discover a happier, healthier life than you ever imagined.
This article is not legal advice. You should consult an attorney
if you have legal questions that relate to your specific divorce.
