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Divorce 101: Thinking About Divorce? Read This FirstFacts and Advice You Must Consider Before Making the Life Changing Decision to Divorce |
Divorce can change everything, including where you live, the amount of time you spend with your children, how you spend your money and whether or not you work. These changes are often difficult, but with proper planning you can survive and become stronger, happier, and more successful than ever before. There are 1.1 million women involved in divorce each year. Many of these women find their own inner strength to survive divorce and are happier, healthier, and more self-confident for it. You can experience this too if your decision is well thought out before divorce.
If you already sense life will be better after divorce, the first thing to do is thoroughly consider the decision you are about to make; the reasons you're making it, and how it will impact you, your kids (if you have any), and your partner. Reckless, spontaneous action has no place in divorce.
Be certain your decision to end your marriage is rational
Marriages aren't easy. They don’t usually just 'work'; they take work and commitment. We all face numerous different challenges in marriage. Don't act impulsively in getting a divorce. Consider what is prompting you to do this. Is this something you've been considering for a long time now? Has there been a recent event or problem in the marriage that has made you think of getting a divorce?
Many problems can be worked through with the right attitude, commitment, and relationship skills. There will never be a marriage without problems. Take the time and give serious thought to the major motivating factors for divorce. There are excellent counselors and programs available that help couples learn better communication skills so they can work through problems and go on to have happy, healthy, and fulfilled marriages.
There's great advice out there to help you understand your reasons for divorce and if you should proceed. Talk to a therapist or trusted friends. Many of the challenges and frustrations we face in marriage are common and just talking with others can help to clarify your true feelings. Join a women's support group or read the books found in the Thinking About Divorce section of our online shop, which specifically address saving one’s marriage and/or making the decision to divorce. If you don’t have a therapist, find one. The following articles and tools will assist you:
Speak with one to three attorneys in your city who specialize in family law
Have in-depth conversations about your marriage, finances, and children. Ask the attorneys to explain your state’s family laws and how divorce will affect you.
You really want to consider and imagine what life will be like for you (and your children) if you divorce. Get the facts from a reputable source first and then take a long, hard look at everything a divorce will entail before you decide. Many times frustrated partners act too quickly, not considering everything that's involved as well as their options. Once a family parts ways there are many things that can change; especially if you have children. Consider and carefully think about the impact the following changes will have on you and your family:
- Change of address; new house, apartment, etc.
- School change for children
- Time spent with children
- Loss of home ownership; you may have to rent at first
- Income level changes
- Lifestyle change; from at home to working; new job, even relocation, less spending money
- Parenting challenges; from a two parent home to a single parent home
- Time adjustments; less time for self, hobbies, etc. More time spent with children, working and taking care of home alone
- Social life changes; new friends, different social outlets to avoid seeing your ex
- Adjustment to more time alone, possibly working through lonely feelings and times
Not all of these changes are bad; and if you have the right attitude (a positive one) all of these changes can actually be very good for you and everyone in your family. It doesn't mean it will be easy and you won't feel some growing pains – you will. Just carefully think about how much a divorce will change in your life and don't rush into it.
Follow your intuition here, take some quiet time to really listen to your heart and you'll know what's right. Look inside (and to a higher power if you have one) for strength and guidance. Act with love and kindness and you're sure to be happier for it.
The following articles and tools will assist you in finding reputable sources to get the information you'll need:
Plan your divorce before initiating it
If after taking the steps listed above, you've decided that divorce is the right choice for you and your family, then it's time to begin planning. Why plan ahead of time for divorce? Some divorces go smoothly, both parties being mature and reasonable. Other divorces turn into unexpected battles; this is one potential battle you don't want to face without preparation.
If you can, save a little money to help you get started once you leave. Get your finances in order, gather documents you may need during the divorce process and do everything you can to prepare for the journey ahead. The following articles and tools will assist you with each of these tasks and countless more that can make your divorce easier:
Do some research about places to live, schools for kids, jobs, and child care if needed. Set up a support system for you and your family before hand; have a few friends who will provide positive guidance and support your decision, start or continue seeing a therapist, and set up outlets for expressing extra stress and frustration during this new time.
Healthy Stress Relievers During Divorce:
- Exercise. A walk around the block, the gym, a home treadmill, or even a 30-minute exercise program on TV can help you reduce the effects of stress, sleep better, feel better, and even look better.
- Friend time. It's vital to not only have a support system but to use it too. Spending time with good friends laughing, crying, and just talking relieves stress and takes away feelings of isolation.
- Quiet time. Whether you meditate, do yoga, or just sit quietly in nature its essential during this challenging time to rejuvenate your soul with quiet peace. This will let you see into your soul and reveal true needs and desires. Listen quietly and find peace with where you are in life.
- Spiritual Relationships. Whether you're a devout Catholic, Jewish, or even agnostic its' essential to know there's a higher power out there greater than us. After all the sun rises and sets everyday without a bit of human power. Taking the time to nurture this relationship with your higher power is vital. You'll discover peace, harmony, and deep happiness when you completely trust that everything happens for a reason and the best is yet to come for you and your family.
- Nutrition. Although at first it may not appear to be a stress reliever; good nutrition is vital in handling stress, especially for long periods of time. Be sure to eat healthy foods, drink plenty of water, and not overeat or under eat during this time. Eat at least 5 total servings of fruits and veggies a day, eat high fiber, low carb foods and avoid excess alcohol. Alcohol is a depressant; it inhibits good sleep, and won't really help you cope if you abuse it.
We are intuitively resistant to change no matter if it's for good or bad. Realize that divorce will change many aspects of your life - but it doesn’t have to be bad. Carefully consider divorce before you initiate the process; make sure it's for the right reasons. Once you've decided to get a divorce follow these guidelines, stay positive, and always believe in yourself.
Regardless of any other factors, if you’re in an abusive relationship, please get help immediately
There's no reason to justify staying in an abusive relationship. No matter how difficult it may seem to leave and start over you must do it. The anticipation of leaving and starting over is often worse than it really is. If you fear for your safety or your children's, there are trained professionals who know just what to do and can help you. Call the National Domestic Violence hotline at (800) 799-SAFE (7233) or go to a women’s shelter in your community. If you need help finding a shelter use our Domestic Violence Resources for Women. Please protect yourself — you deserve to be happy and safe! This is the first step to true happiness – it can happen!
This article is not legal, financial or medical advice. You should consult an attorney, financial professional, and doctor if you have questions that relate to your specific divorce, finances, and health.
